Not So Secret Journal

We’ve covered the dreaded “M” topic once or twice before, only because it feels like, its somehow becoming my alter ego. You know how Bruce Wayne was Batman or how Peter Parker would become Spiderman, I feel almost the same way about my little mate M, but somehow, her superpowers can only be described as Faulty.

Do faulty superheroes exist?

For example, M lets me forget what I walked into a room for, walking into the bathroom should be a clue.

She has zero ability to hold on to the most basic information, my name and age, should roll off my tongue.

She has the power to heat a 3-storey house, but she can also turn the temp to feel ice cold, and no, putting a jumper on doesn’t help (my husband’s answer when I complain I’m cold).

She gets irritated easily, and I’m not even talking about stupid people, its everyone.

She can make my heart feel like it’s about to burst out of my chest, and I’m only sitting down with a cuppa.

She creates the biggest pimples even a teenager would be proud of.

And don’t get me started on the facial hair, especially as the hair on my head refuses to grow and falls out constantly.

I mean do they sound like superpowers to you.

The more I think about it all, the more I’m convinced that M is an actual supervillain.

I have spent a fortune on different products and supplements that “claim” to help with all of these symptoms.

Sometimes I feel like I mistakenly pushed a button, you know when you get a new phone and you play with it until you know how everything works?

But then you press something, and you have to ask Alexa how to fix it, that! I still haven’t worked out what button I pressed to get this constant head in the cloud feature my body seems to have switched on.

I swear if I could choose a superpower, I would choose one that my family already assume I have.

Like reading minds (my kids already think I can do this),

Having eye’s in the back of my head (I told them that one)

The ability to eat whatever I want without putting on weight, instead of smelling a bag of crisps and gaining 30 stone.

Or my favourite being able to clean the house from top to bottom in the speed of light, whilst sorting dinner, walking the dogs, sorting the washing, making sure the kids are picked up and sorted, making sure homework is done, and all the while acting like the fully functioning adult I’m supposed to be.

These are all really useful superpowers to have, I think all of these are the makings an amazing new Marvel character (the last one is my favourite).

So far this week, I’ve left my front door open, only discovering this after I turned my car around to go and collect my daughters friend.

I have left the oven on, after I had removed Tea for the family and my hubs asked why the oven was still on over an hour later.

I have totally forgotten the name of my child whilst on the phone to the Drs and don’t get me started on remembering which date of birth belongs to which child (that’s total guess work).

and I have started to do some research into a book I’m writing and I’ve sat staring at the screen completely unaware of what I was looking for, and we are only on Tuesday. (It’s now Saturday, and I forgot why I started this blog)

I have tried everything to deactivate this clueless mode my body has switched on, I’ve ditched the rubbish food (wasn’t really bad), I’m eating more protein, drinking plenty of water, and trying to exercise (if I remember) and looking after my gut bio more.

I feel like if I could just find that part in the manual that explains how to turn clueless mode off, I’d be a better person, but unfortunately, I’ve misplaced the manual (yes, I have looked in the junk draw).

It’s a bit like those three buttons you need to change the clock in your car, half the time you just think “oh sod this, the clocks will change back in 6 months” (I am that person that’s currently an hour ahead in my car) but seriously cloud mode has got me constantly questioning my ability to function on an adult level.

It’s now Sunday and it’s taken me 12 days to finish this so-called blog post or even try and remember why I started writing it.

If only there was a “CTRL, ALT, DELETE” system like on a computer, I’m not even sure that works, and it’s just something computer techs do to make it look like they’re magic, but that might just enable me to reset this whole, idiot mode I appear to have entered into.

 I feel like I can now relate to idiots and speak their language (so to speak), not that I want to, these people are stupid, this also includes the idiots that don’t use their indicators or go the wrong way up a one-way street.

Maybe I’m really a supervillain, and my villain power is talking to idiots in a language that only they understand. Well, someone has to deal with them, not really the superpower I would have wished for, but sometimes you just need to play the hand that’s dealt you. I could be like the kid in that Bruce Willis movie, you know the one where he could see dead people, only I can see idiots.

Does anyone know how to contact supervillains.com?