Not So Secret Journal

I love a good old gossip session, and Social media gossip pages are the funniest places to be on, if you’re not on one find one and just sit back and grab some popcorn.

You don’t have to interact and no one knows you’ve even been there, it’s like a fly on the wall documentary, with full on drama.

For example, I’m on two pages, one for my current town and one for my childhood town. Both kick off on a regular basis, mainly because people just love to wade in on other people’s drama.

The cause of most arguments is because people are asking the most random and stupid shit. (Here are some of my favourites and what I would love to reply)

Why there are police in a certain area, street, or shop.

I actually love this one because it comes with a whole array of responses from the very usual, someone called 999, to the absolute insane of them all when they announce that their sisters, aunties, uncles, cousin has just informed them that they know all the gossip, when in fact they know jack shit about anything they just love to appear like they know.

Whose car is parked outside someone’s driveway or house.

This one I’m on the fence about, because whilst its irritating when someone parks over your driveway and buggers off for the day, you can solve this by letting a little air out of their tyres as a little warning not to do it again. If it was just parking outside your house, then love you don’t own the road, they pay their taxes too park anywhere, just crack on with your day, there might be someone who has broken a nail that needs your support online.

What time certain shops open or close

Theres this really cute little thing you can do now, it’s called GOOGLE, its revolutionary and it will change your life, you can find out what time places open, reviews on places to eat and so much more, it’s a fountain of information, Google it! Bloody hell, how long has the internet been a thing? I’ll send you back the early 80’s, because if your mum wanted to know if a shop was open, she would either send one of the older kids or just go herself and look.

Whose front door is this?

My favourite one out of them all, in the age of internet shopping, people still forget to check the basic’s, like have I changed my address on my amazon account, or have I put my address in correctly on this very expensive order from Zara, or have Evri just fucked it up again? The questions are endless but posting a picture of someone’s front door and not adding what area it is or even just the postcode, how is anyone going to know who’s bleeding door it is. Then there’s the pleas of can I have my parcel back I need it for tonight, well unless you have a direct number for mystic meg, you’re not getting it back tonight.

Lost Pets.

Whilst no one wants to lose a pet, it’s a major inconvenience when they just decide to run off, dogs on the loose are the main cause for concern, but the most missing pet notices you will see are people looking for their cats. Cats are feral, and they don’t give an actual shit about leaving home for three days and not texting their owners to say that they’re not dead. The funniest ones are when someone from New Brighton, decides to share a missing pet notice from a foreign country, Sharon love, I’m certain not even max the Bengal cat, can get from New Zealand to the Wirral without being noticed by customs. You technically can’t fart in the wrong customs lane without being stopped and searched.

Why was the police helicopter out at 3am.

My guess, and this is a massive stab in the dark (no pun intended), but maybe there’s a police chase and they needed backup from the helicopter, maybe it’s an air ambulance and someone needed help, or maybe they just fancied a quick joy ride in the chopper to make the night shift go quicker. You see it’s not just the daytime some of the feral rats that live in the world come out, some love it more if you can’t see what they’re up too and decide that nighttime is best time to steal things and generally behave like the dickheads that they are. So, on behalf of the police, we would like to apologise for chasing that little shit Jason, in a stolen car at 3am and waking you from your beauty sleep, we will work with Uncle Elon in making an electric helicopter and then you can sleep whilst the police chase idiots.

Bin’s not being emptied.

Bin men are actual national hero’s, I would not want to be emptying my bins every week, seriously they stink, and these men and women (are there women bin people) deserve a pay rise. Unfortunately, they do get a bit of crap from joe public if their precious green or grey bins aren’t emptied on time. Now unless you have slept for the last two weeks, you will have noticed that we have had an issue with ice and snow, making the roads impossible for even the safest car in the road to navigate, even the schools closed.

But you have Janet from 57 moaning that she still has to go to work, so why can’t the bin men do their jobs and empty the bins. Or Connie from 45 moaning that her bins are overflowing still from Christmas and the rats will be attracted to her M&S leftovers. Jesus Christ, the poor bin people don’t get a choice if they come out or not, it’s that little man in the council in charge of health and safety who makes the call. It’s not like tom the bin man decides he can’t be arsed coming and emptying the bins today. Just a small notice, but there is a place called the local tip, throw your rubbish in your little micra and head off there if you feel it’s safe to do so.

Lost Shoe’s

Now the comments you get on these posts are hilarious, from the basic Cinderella shouts to the I’ll check the ring doorbell to see if anyone went past ours. Now something tells me if you rock up at home from a night out with one shoe, you’ve probably had the best night ever, secondly, I don’t think the person who lost the shoe will even remember getting home, let alone where and why they felt the need to take their shoe off. So just chuck it in the bin and move on, because even if they did see your post, they’re not going to admit its theirs.

Last and definitely not least are the posts about the Feral Rats,

Now this little species seems to have evolved over the years, growing up in the 80’s and 90’s we had what we could call “Naughty Kids”, two words we can’t use anymore for fear of someone being offended. These naughty kids would be dealt with 3 times, once by whoever caught them being naughty, secondly when they got home and their dad would deal with them and then their mum would deal with them too once she got in from the shops. God forbid you were caught by the local bobbie; he would have the powers to put the fear of god into you too. Sadly, we have a new generation of feral kids, who don’t get disciplined, because one their parents can’t for fear of being reported to the police for raising their voice to their naughty kid, and two some of their parents just can’t be arsed. So now we have a super feral rat, one that when they are outed on social media, their aunties, parents, and friends who know Tom is an absolute little shit, wade in with Leave him alone he’s a good lad at heart, he does his nans shopping. Sadly, Tom has just robbed the local sweet shop and left the poor fella that owns it scared half to death.

So, there you have it, only a quick snippet of what the gossip’s in your area has to offer, believe me there’s so much more, go and find a gossip page near you, you’re in for a treat.