Not So Secret Journal

This post was originally written in March 2020, a lifetime ago now, and from the looks of this post, school didn’t survive for the full 12 weeks.

Thursday 19^th March, my biggest human went to see the GP, she informed him that because he was on the “At Risk” list along with two of our boys, we all had to “self-Isolate” for 12 weeks.

12 Weeks in the same house as each other? This wasn’t going to end well.

I love him dearly, but we’ve been together for 23 years and we’ve probably spent little of that time alone, mainly because when we do spend time together, I get pregnant, hence the 6 kids.

So, 12 weeks alone, didn’t fill me with much joy, but thankfully our mate Boris decided that he was closing down the schools, so there was little chance of the pregnant thing again, but more likely if Corona didn’t see him off, I probably would.

This is my weekly diary, of how this writing mum, added another job title to her already growing list of titles and became a SIM (self-isolated mum).

Now for most people Self isolation, sounds like a bit of a holiday, big hot bubble baths, PJ days, Afternoon naps, the list is endless, my life in self isolation, doesn’t remotely look like anything I’ve seen in the movies.

Day 1, We started off positive as a family, the two littlest people were up for 8am, the three teenagers weren’t, well it was the first day, we couldn’t expect too much now could we.

Joe Wick’s tried to kill us with a PE lesson and then we decided breakfast would follow, the kids were knackered, so I let them play in the garden for 30 minutes, then we took the classroom outside.

No one wanted to listen to their new teacher, so I let them play whilst I went to the staff room (the kitchen) for some cake and a cuppa, this teaching thing is harder than it looks.

We decided to try again after lunch, I made packed lunches and made them sit in the shed, well it looks like the canteen I used to sit in as a kid, which was our history lesson for today.

After lunch we decided that school was going to finish early as mummy had some ABC time she needed to use for planning for the rest of the week.

Day 2, We decided as a family it was rest day from Uncle Joe’s special PE class, as he tried to kill us yesterday, we went straight on to breakfast, and decided to have a few mate’s around (not real ones), but 3d virtual animals, that was todays wildlife class done.

Smallest human decided he actually wanted me to be his teacher today, so we did some sounds and numbers. The basic phonics stuff, it was going so well until we got to “Sh” I asked him what words he knew for “Sh,” shit was his reply, not what I was thinking of but hey I had to give him a star for effort.

Day 3, Began so well, with a bit of Forest schooling looking for mini beasts, a call from the teenager’s school, I think they were checking to see if I’d killed them yet, (it’s only been 3 days, give me a chance), then mini human decided to shout mummy out into the garden to show me what he had found, it was not even funny, school was over and mummy needed a lie down after the whole “frog gate” incident. A risk assessment was needed and a teacher training day was declared for that afternoon.

 Day 4, The teacher was still traumatised after the whole “Frog Gate” incident, so we decided that it was all too much to take and cancelled school for the day. The kids had a great time in the garden, with their chalk and paints. I decided that the frog might still be lurking in the garden so I would go and try my luck with people instead, it was “Essential shopping day” after all! Now I’m normally a lover of people, but thinking one of them could infect me with this ridiculous virus, I tried my hardest not to awaken my inner Michael Douglas in fallen down. I grabbed a trolly and scanned as I went, people really don’t understand “Personal Space” and “Social Distancing” isn’t it something British people are well known for? I finally made it around the Asda, doing my big shop, and finding myself constantly questioning, was this an “Essential” as I popped Easter Egg’s, Chocolate and pop into the trolley (I got food too).  Leaving Asda felt like I’d been trapped in a cave filled with venomous snakes for weeks, the hot air hit my face and I felt like freedom was in reach, until the biggest human called to say pick up a kettle from B&M on my way home, as ours had blown up.  Bloody hell, more people, I would have rather taken my chances with the frog.

Day 5, No wonder Teachers look so happy on a Friday, this week has killed me off and we’ve only managed 2 and a bit day’s so far. Thankfully, I’d organised a school trip for the kids today, they went to the Zoo (well not really) but the zoo were having a “Virtual Tour” and my kids know that place better than some of the keepers, so off they went for some screen time, whilst mummy hid in the tent in the garden with her essentials.

Day 6, It’s Saturday, so that mean’s absolutely no sodding playing school, the weather had turned so the kids are catching up on so me TV time, because they’ve been in the garden all week. Boris won’t be disturbing us with his daily news feeds as he’s now taking his own advice and self-isolating after he infected half of his team with Corona Virus. Me, well I think that we’ve done great this week, no one died, and no one had to go to A&E (successful week in my books). I’ve taken this “Self-distancing” thing a little too far after the biggest human asked my why I’d self-distanced the socks on the sock holder, but hey you can’t be too careful can you now.

Things I’ve learn this week:

When someone tells you to stay as home, most people will become petulant teenagers and ignore all advice.

I still don’t understand the whole stock piling toilet roll thing, but I may have stockpiled some chocolate (judge me)

I actually shit myself when someone mentioned “Covid 19” thinking we had two viruses to content with then I realised they were talking about our mate Corona.

Home schooling is the reason I never want to become a teacher, and I will no longer be a tight arse when it comes to end of term gifts.

Right Stay safe you lot and be kind to one another, or else ill send round the frog.

Rinse and repeat for the next 11 weeks, except for the frog, I think he caught Rona, because he was never seen again. (thank god)