Not So Secret Journal

It feels like forever since I last wrote anything, so I’m back with a bang, alright I know bonfire night is gone, but we do have a seasonal present fast approaching.

I’m not talking about Santa, I am in fact talking about his absolute little terror of an employee, that calls just before the big day.

Yep, here come those terrorising little brats, or elves on the shelves as some of you like to call them.

Now don’t be deceived by the name “Elf on the shelf” as this little terror apparently doesn’t stay on the actual shelf for the whole of December, nope, most of you have brought into the whole Elf destroying your house just before the big day.

You guys obviously have far too much time on your hands, because these little buggers don’t just wrap themselves up in loo roll, during covid, most elves died because of the whole stealing loo roll thing.  Nothing was ever proven in a court of law, but I can guarantee, elf lives were lost due to a loo roll shortage.

When most of us, mainly me, are winter cleaning and decluttering our houses so that they are spotless for an imaginary man, who lets himself into your house in the middle of the night, empties his sack in your living room, then proceeds to eat and drink all the Christmas food you’ve spent weeks telling the kids not to eat, then buggers off back to the north pole to tell his Mrs that the cushions weren’t Hinched. 

Judgemental bastard.

Anyway, back to you sadistic souls who, not only buy an elf, but you also destroy your homes, all in the name of keeping up with the Joneses.

I’m all for making the kids laugh, but seriously I’m 48, if I thought for one second an elf was downstairs destroying my home I wouldn’t sleep for a month, let alone help the little bugger get into mischief.

I still struggle with turning the living room light off, then legging it up the stairs before the monsters get me.

I’m so glad I grew up in a time where there was no internet, our advent calendars didn’t have chocolate, lego or makeup in them, instead we were excited to see what picture was in the calendar that day.

My nanna definitely wouldn’t have agreed to let a little elf, put grandad shaving foam all over the bathroom, or spill beans all over the kitchen, granted she had my uncles to make such a mess, but she would make sure they cleaned it all up too.

Don’t get me wrong the kids have asked for an elf, unfortunately as I tell them every year, the adoption process failed as

1. We don’t have a shelf
2. We have far too many people in this house already, and
3. The mess would definitely tip mummy over the edge, so for the whole elf and safety of the elf it’s for the best that we carry on not being one of those families that has an elf.

I’m not judging if Mrs Grinch in no 45 wants an elf and then spends a small fortune on accessories and what not for the said elf, then please be my guest, or if Mrs Brown from school, wants to do a whole month of Insta and Facebook posts on what her elf got up to, knock yourself out, but I’ll quite happily be sat over here stressing over Christmas lists, food shopping delivery slots and trying to remain festive for the whole of December, I might even be allowed sugar by then.

Happy Elfing .