Not So Secret Journal

*This post was originally written in January 2020*

It took me ages to try and start this post, but they do say in life, starting something is always the hardest part.

Unless you’re a baby, then the beginning is pretty easy, someone waiting on you hand and foot. Feeding you, bathing you and wiping your butt, life is sweet.

As an actual adulting human, life can be pretty tough at times.

So, we’ve faced the longest January since records began, 754 days of it to be exact. We’ve had Brexit, Megxit, Uncle Andy and his dodgy mates and now a visiting virus from China.

How on Earth have we packed all that into one month?

Well Uncle Andy, (obviously for legal reasons I have to say, not my actual uncle) that could have just got a bit awkward. Well, he made friends with some of the “Hollywood” Elite, they got caught up in some dodgy dealings, and then the main man (as it were) mysteriously died, leaving Uncle Andy to face the music.

If that wasn’t enough for Nanny liz to deal with, our Meg decided she wanted a bigger piece of the action. She didn’t want to be a duchess for the rest of her life, and who can blame her when the likes of Kanye West is being all famous for doing absolutely sod all. So, to take some of the spotlight off Uncle Andy, our Meg decided she wanted a fresh start, so she moved her family to Canada (well England is so overrated anyway) and then went on to complain when Nanny Liz took her royal title away (that escalated quickly).

Poor nanny liz, she was well reaching for the pink gin, there was no dry January in the palace that’s for sure.

Then we had our Bojo, what an absolute idiot, can you believe this man is actually in charge of running a country? Nope, me either, I don’t even think he ties his own shoes but here goes. He had one job to do, leave Europe, on the 31^st of January.

The man still thinks Europe is a Swedish rock band, let’s not tell him otherwise.

Anyway, he wanted the big clock in London to chime, at the stroke of 11pm to mark the leaving, but poor bojo, not great with attention to details forgot that the big clock was having a major face lift, so he had to make do with a school projector, and some pretty images of the said big clock on his wall.

But before all that happened all hell broke loose, why I hear you say!

Well apparently, there’s a new virus on the block, his name Corona (no not the beer) anyway, my theory is some kid in China, didn’t fancy going to work, so thought eh up what can I tell the boss this time.

I’ve had flu, I’ve had swine flu, I’ve had bird flu and I’ve died of Ebola twice, he spots a bottle of corona and thinks that’s the one.

Rings up his boss, coughing down the phone, “Sorry Boss, I’ve got this CoronaVirus I can’t come in today.” This catches on to his mates and they all get it before the end of Dry January.

Then the government catch on and think how can we distract people from this Brexit mess, then Bojo has an idea (it doesn’t happen often), he rings up the media pretending to be his dad and asks them to cause total pandemonium or just their usual chaos.

So now with everyone distracted and the Asda selling Corona on a 2 for 1 deal, no one is thinking about the leaving party anymore.

Facebook and Twitter go into full panic mode, mostly people panicking about where they’re going to get their chow Mein from on Saturday. A few racist and xenophobic comments later and Britain is back to it’s good old self again. (Great)

Sometimes I wish we could just factory reset life, or maybe just a better updated version, well if Apple can do it on a monthly basis, I’m sure we can factory reset the country once in a while.

So, that’s it January 2020 covered in 714 words (someone will definitely count them), I hope you love it and there will be more to come.