Not So Secret Journal

As most of you know I’m currently knee deep in writing a “Parenting for Dummies” kind of book, it’s a funny take on life as a parent. 

Now who knows what will come of it once it’s published, all I know is that the blood, sweat and chocolate digestives that have gone into the book has been a joy to relive, (well some of it).

The book covers parenting from the fun bit, (making the babies), to around school age when things get a little bit more technical shall we just say. 

When I say technical, I mean you have then got to deal with other parents!

Some of these other parents, will be your saving grace, the sugar in your tea (or coffee) and eventually one of your closest allies. (I’m thinking the Monica, to your Rachel)

The rest will become your arch nemesis! 

Surely not I hear you cry, you’re all parents with the same goal in life, to bring up these happy, and healthy kids, that aren’t described as little shits by the teachers in the staff room. 

Hear me out on this one….

No child is an angel, this may come as a huge shock to your system, or like me you already know this because you live with them 24/7 and you have lost those rose-coloured glasses that you get given at birth. 

No child will tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, unless you sign a formal contract promising not to take their PlayStation away, then they will admit to smacking little Johnny in the face with a bat and then lying about it. 

So, I’m going to throw you a few “scenarios” that may or may not happen on your parenting the “school edition” journey, this is just to prepare you for what might or might not come.

First up is making friends, once your child happily or not so happily toddles into school the one thing they will always tell you is “They have no friends” or “no one plays with them”.  This as a parent makes you feel so sad that little Johnny, should have been called billy as he has no mates.  The truth he’s got loads of mates and he’s probably one of the most popular kids on the playground, he is just trying to make you feel sorry for him and hopefully blag a day off school. 

Next up is find out who the naughty kids are and tell your kid that he/she should be friends with them. 9/10 times your kid will avoid the naughty kid like the plague, as they never want to be mates with anyone their mums tell them to be mates with. You can identify the naughty kids as their parents will always be the ones that the teacher pulls at the end of the day. If this fails and your kid does become friends with little Michael, then you too will look forward to becoming besties with the said teacher.

Parents who don’t acknowledge you in any way shape or form for the entire 3 years your kids have shared a classroom, but then proceed to think it’s acceptable to message you via your Facebook, to tell your that your kid was a little shit to their kid today and that you need to sort them out, then start giving you parenting advice whilst pissed off one glass of Prosecco. 

Then there’s the parents who believe EVERYTHING that their little darling says. Please stop this, because there will be three sides to this story, your child’s, the other child and a little thing called the truth. I totally get you want to defend your little darling but seriously wait, gather the evidence and ask questions. 

Then there are the kids who have ridiculous names, please keep your kid away from these kids, as birthday cards will be a nightmare when you can’t spell the kids name properly. I’m kidding it’s not the kids’ fault; you stay away from the parent as they’re likely to be a bit of a tit for calling their kid after a cartoon character. 

You will also gain the role of PA to your little darling, this role is totally unpaid and can range from organising the endless stream of pictures and craft that they do at school (you will become the best recycler in your street), acknowledging emails from the school (around 20 per child per day) to making sure you’ve paid for the endless trips, discos, toast and dinner monies. Small tip for this one find the one mum who is exceptionally organised, befriend her, convince her to set up a WhatsApp group, and she will forever keep you on the ball with kid’s school activities. 

Lastly and there’s always one or two of these parents in every playground. They are the posh parents (or they like to think they are), the ones that believe in gentle parenting, the ones that look down their noses at you because you brought a bag of haribo to school and not raisins or a granola bar, but you only did that so  little Matilda doesn’t moan her arse off all the way home, because you’ve got to walk today. The parents that believe that their children are the most perfect gentle children in the land, when in reality, their kids are just as feral as yours, but refuse to believe it, because they consulted the moon phases and the stars, before they got pregnant and little Sirus was born under a pink moon meaning he will be the most promising student ever!

As a parent you will encounter all of these situations and a shit load more, but the one piece of advice as a parent to a parent is never fall out over kids, because you can guarantee they will be mates the next day and you and Janice will never speak again and you need mates like Janice she’s funny.   

This all comes from the heart and with bundles of love (and a sense of humour) because you definitely need one of those when you become a parent. I’m the mum who shows up daily in gym leggings and a 3-day old hoodie that’s covered in food, (not even from the kids, I’m not gonna lie), I will be your friend, but I can be your biggest nightmare too.

At the end of the day kids will be kids and your kids are a direct reflection of your parenting so if your kids are little shits, then I’ll just leave that there. 

Catch you soon x