Not So Secret Journal

(Only read if not easily offended, by womanly discussion’s)

I feel like when God or whoever was creating the human species, they had a whole load of bits left over from the Men species and thought I know we will give it all to this one and we shall name this one Women pronounced Woah Man (or women as we like to be also known). 

So, these bits as I like to refer to them as, were of course hormones, now these are with us from such a young age, we as women bleed for 7 days of each calendar month and don’t die, what absolute miracles we are.

We are also able to grow a human inside our bodies and give birth to them and not just one at a time, sometimes these little humans insist on coming in twos or three’s as well (those women deserve a medal). The pain that is experienced has been described as sheer hell on earth, (and I know I have don’t this a few times), apparently for men to experience equivalent pain it would be described as being punch in the balls by the rock then falling over and breaking both legs, and then trying to get up and score the winning goal in the world cup.  For me labour wasn’t the most unpleasant experience, it was the pushing that bloody killed, especially when our youngest child was 12lb .3oz born.

This would be the equivalent of trying to push something that was the size of a watermelon, out of a hole that was the size of a lemon, and for men to understand this, it would be the equivalent of trying to pass a melon from your backside.  It hurts, even with drugs, the legal ones.

But these hormones don’t stop there, they continue to make you bleed each month as well as making you cry for no reason, have fits of rage when there’s no chocolate in the house or your partner looks at you the wrong way, the list is somewhat endless and we as women continue with this cycle for at least 40 years.

Then there’s a new friend that comes to play and that is called MENoPause, and this also has nothing to do with the men in your life, they don’t experience anything like this in their lifetime and they still get to add their names to it.

So when the menopause comes to play there are 3 stages pre men o pause (this has nothing to do with pre men or being single) this is just the bit that comes to play before the big girls take over, so this bit is a bit wishy washy because you may or may not experience all of these symptoms, I personally felt I leap frogged this part, but this is when the moods shift, the periods are all over the show and you may feel a little bit unsure of who you are anymore or what you’re looking for when you walk into a room.

Then steps up our peri men o pause, now peri will be your mate for a while I’m talking a good few years, she will bring the symptoms above and ramp up the volume to 100, she also brings with her a few new mates, such as hot flushes, night sweats, periods of not knowing if flo will turn up that month, sleep (kiss goodbye to that) and so much more rage, and I’m not talking because someone left the loo seat up.

Then the final stage Men o pause, this lives up to its name because its as annoying as any man can be, and you get a complete pause in those flo months because that’s it ladies you have no more flo days.

So I’m currently at the peri stage, sick of everyone’s shit and full of rage, I can be nice, but just make sure if you want something you throw me a bar of chocolate first and none of that crappy cheap chocolate, proper Cadburys or Galaxy stuff.

Anyway, (brain fog came to play there) I was chatting to my GP the other day and we were talking about my Menopause medication and how I was coping and I’d mentioned that I thought I was on the home straight now as I hadn’t had a period for 3 months, she laughed and agreed, but as we women can still make humans way into our 60’s (I personally couldn’t think of anything worse), but it can happen, so she suggested I do a thing that was on her tick box list (they have them for everything) and suggested I do a pregnancy test just to rule it out.

Well to say I felt like a teenager again was an understatement, I was creeping around Asda like a teenage boy does when he has to buy his first pack of condoms, I was convinced I’d run into one of the school mum’s.

Once I was safely back home, I had to do the test, my heart was beating so fast my Fitbit thought I was running and registered the next 10 minutes as a 5k run.

I’ve not had to do one of these tests for the last 11 years as my youngest kept well hidden from any test until his 22-week scan, that’s another story.

So sat on the bathroom floor looking at the lines praying for a miracle and then it hits me, what the fuck I don’t fully understand what the test means. (it wasn’t one of those expensive tests)

Apparently a + means pregnant and a – means not pregnant but there was also another box and no instructions, cue a frantic google session to see what the other box meant, in the meantime I’m having a panic attack at these lines and what the fuck they mean.

Panic over and cue a little celebratory dance, the other line meant that the test had worked thank God as it was completely negative, it was a bit like covid all over again when you’re praying for the right result (stop putting unnecessary boxes on things).

Men I’m going to say one thing, embrace that beautiful woman in your life, look after her, care for her even when she is being a complete crank, because apparently its not only pregnant women that can get away with murder (I’m joking, but just don’t piss her off, especially during the menopause years)

Love ya